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The Conspiracy Theorist

Did you know that every corner of the world, from the North Pole to South, from Canton China to Nashville Tennessee, is controlled by a secret group of ancient superhumans who’ve been around since the beginning of time? They’re so powerful, in fact, they’ve got an army of scientists who’ve discovered the secret to living forever. They plot everything and anything that happens, from a man stubbing his toe in Australia, to a car accident on Route 66, to the terrorist attacks of 9/11. They carefully set everything into balance so no one could overthrow anyone else… Yeah, and Bush, and Obama, they’re their little puppets. Nader is one of them. They also know about life on other planets, and when the end of the world will be.

Don’t forget to leave out the fact that they also have an army of body snatchers… and they’re not really human, they’re robotic vampires!

You know who I’m talking about. The guy who’s at every dinner party, church meeting, work luncheon. He takes every opportunity, from someone commenting that their coffee is too dark (it’s because the coffee beans harvested in South America have been injected with drugs in an attempt to addict the American public) to the rising gas prices (a not-to-subtle way of an attempt at world domination via bleeding the public of their money,) to drag the conversation on the latest juicy conspiracy theory. Everyone politely attempts to steer the conversation back to raising money for the nomination or laying off excess workers, but he continuously finds ways to pull the topic back on the alien abduction that replaced George Bush with an evil robotic alien. (and mated with sheep that gave birth to Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.)

You’re killing me, no you really are. Sure, maybe there is a secret society that holds control over the world. What are you going to do about it? And even if there is, I’m pretty sure they’re mortal.  9/11 was just a tragedy, the rising gas prices are just reflecting the inflation of money, and Hillary Clinton is not a sheep/alien mutant (she just acts like one.)

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