The Fruit Bruiser

I know who you are. You’re the guy who pinches the apples and ‘tests’ the grapes. I hate that. I’m about to buy some nice fresh fruit, I don’t want your grubby little hands poking thumb-sized bruises into my apple. Or the grapes. Do you have to open the bag and eat half of it before you decide whether it’s fit to purchase and take home?

Don’t you know there’s a flu going around? Not to mention the fact that you could get some serious unpleasant bowel movement if you eat unwashed fruit. Ha. Haha. Serves you right.

You know what? I’ll bet you’re the same dude who opens toy boxes at Walmart to touch the rubber grip of a hotwheel or see what happens when you push the voicebox button. And I never notice what you’ve done until I get home with the toy you’ve touched, and the batteries are already dead from you pushing Talking Elmo’s button over a hundred times just to hear ‘Elmo loves you.’

I know who you are. You’re the fruit bruiser guy.

What I’m All About

Like every other average, non-conformist hypocrite, I like to rant about stuff. Don’t judge me, you do it too. And you know you rant about people who do things everyone does, at some point or another. Like those people who cut you off at the intersection, or the buffoon who chews so loudly (and with his mouth open!). Of course there’s always the moron who’s criticizing your absolute favorite celebrity on a news post – with bad spelling. ‘michael jackson sux hes so gay. he likess litle boys.’ What the hell dude, really?

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