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The Fruit Bruiser


I know who you are. You’re the guy who pinches the apples and ‘tests’ the grapes. I hate that. I’m about to buy some nice fresh fruit, I don’t want your grubby little hands poking thumb-sized bruises into my apple. Or the grapes. Do you have to open the bag and eat half of it before you decide whether it’s fit to purchase and take home?

Don’t you know there’s a flu going around? Not to mention the fact that you could get some serious unpleasant bowel movement if you eat unwashed fruit. Ha. Haha. Serves you right.

You know what? I’ll bet you’re the same dude who opens toy boxes at Walmart to touch the rubber grip of a hotwheel or see what happens when you push the voicebox button. And I never notice what you’ve done until I get home with the toy you’ve touched, and the batteries are already dead from you pushing Talking Elmo’s button over a hundred times just to hear ‘Elmo loves you.’

I know who you are. You’re the fruit bruiser guy.

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