Know-it-all

Anyone who has known anyone or survived more than a year of public school has met this guy. You know who I’m talking about, the guy who knows everything about anything and no one knows anything he doesn’t know. He’s the dude who corrects the teacher and will continue arguing even if he’s been proved wrong.

It’s not like I have anything against smart people.

I was labeled the nerd in highschool, but nerd and know-it-all are two different things, although sometimes confused with one another.

A nerd *is someone who either knows alot/studies alot/gets good grades/all of the above. A know-it-all, on the other hand, is a kid who may get poor grades/not study, he just has the completely unfair capabilities of knowing and remembering everything that he heard or read, but the prime composition of a know-it-all is the fact that he has no qualms with correcting everyone (snobbily, leading to the synonymous term smart-ass) with the superior/grammatically correct/factually correct version.

Perhaps you were/are, like I was, the unlucky chap who had to sit next to a know-it-all. While it certainly may have been better in the long run (I studied like the devil for that class in hopes I wouldn’t appear to be a complete nincompoop) it was certainly a miserable experience. My best advice for all you poor buggers out there in such a situation is to a) study like the dickens b) request to move c) suck it up.

On the bright side, you will gain a wide variety of useless information spewed by your desk-partner, to be used in future reference for the next know-it-all you’re stuck with.

*(cool random fact, Dr. Seuss created the word nerd. It first appeared in his book “If I Ran the Zoo” (1950) where the narrator claims he will collect a ”a Nerkle, a Nerd, and a Seersucker too” for his imaginary zoo)

hello h8rs

No matter who you are, where you’re from, what your race, religion, and politics are, some petty little moron is going to find some way to hate you.

Maybe your house is too big, your eyes to blue, the bumper sticker on your 4×4 too offensive. Your church too fancy, or your friends too loud. You can’t please everyone, don’t try. As ironic as it sounds, it really hurts more to be disliked when you’re actually trying to please the crowd, then be hated for being yourself, screw the sensitivity. If you’re being yourself and someone is offended by your higher/lower standards, that’s too bad, they can always leave [that said, if you live with a roommate, you might want to consider taking a shower at least once a week, and consider putting headphones on if you insist on listening to Weird Al Yankovic imitating Screamo at 3 in the morning.]

More often than not, the only reason they remain sitting next to you/standing in your front lawn/ at your front door is because insulting your smile or Christmas lights makes them feel like they’re actually not a petty little moron (now you and I both know he is but let’s keep it to ourselves, shall we, and let him go on with his day.)

My point is, if no one hates you, either you’re stupid and they actually do, you’re freaking amazing, or you really don’t get out enough. Hey, even Jesus, who was supposed to be like the nicest guy in the history of the world, was hated (let’s face it, they nailed the poor bugger to a cross.)

Let’s Meet These ‘Experts’

Classic: exhibiting timeless quality; a perfect and example of a particular style.

Literary merit: A quality of written work, generally applied to the genre of literary fiction. A work is said to have literary merit (to be a work of art) if it is a work of quality, that is if it has some aesthetic value. The concept of “literary merit” is practically impossible to define.

Some key differences between Tale of Two Cities and Harry Potter:

1. Tale of Two Cities is a ‘classic,’ while Harry Potter is a ‘children’s book.’ (Despite the fact that Dr. Seuss wrote many classics and my 80-something grandparents read and love Harry Potter.)
2. I never fell asleep reading Harry Potter… when I wasn’t even tired.
3. Tale of Two Cities has sold about 200 million copies. It was first published around 1859. Harry Potter has sold about 400 million copies (as a series, the first book on its own sold about 100 million copies,) it was first published in the late 1990s.

According to my English Literature Professor, who I will call Mr. Stiffneck for privacy’s sake, I could not write a term paper on symbolism through Harry Potter because  Harry Potter is not a book of literary merit. A Tale of Two Cities, The Catcher in the Rye, The Grapes of Wrath, ect. ect, those are books of ‘literary merit.’

My reaction was roughly as follows “Wha-at!?”

Apparently, Harry Potter is not a book of literary merit (not a classic) because of it’s “lack” of symbolism, relative recent publishing, and the “fact” that it’s a children’s book. (Is my sarcasm translating into the text? oops.)

Let me repeat this, fellow Harry Potter fans, lack of symbolism. The only book I’ve read with more symbolism is the Bible. How does Harry Potter lack in symbolism? Oh Harry Potter symbolism, let me count the ways…

• Peter Pettigrew obviously symbolizes Judas, the traitor of Jesus.
• Self-Sacrifice. Self-sacrifice/love are huge symbols in Harry Potter. Love is a shield, Lily sacrificed herself for Harry.
• Good prevails. Notice how Harry never uses a deadly spell against Voldemort? Voldemort is killed with his own evil spell,Avada Kedavra. Harry almost always uses the simple and harmless Expelliarmus. Good prevails.
• The phoenix. Historically the phoenix is a symbol for rebirth.
• Harry dies and is resurrected, sound familiar?
• Malfoy, Lupin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, almost every name carries a symbol.

I could go on, but I have stuff to do and places to be, my point is… I could go on for hours.

Who is to say what is a book of literary merit? Let me meet these so called “experts” who can say that Steinbeck but not J.K. Rowling is an author of merit. ‘Classics’ is not some high-class blue-bloods-only club. The public has decided Harry Potter is a merit-worthy book. In less than twenty years, the series has sold more than A Tale of Two Cities has in over 100 years. The first book alone has sold half as much as A Tale of Two Cities, in one tenth of the time.

Harry Potter not a book of literary merit? What is a book of literary merit?

For the sake

It’s sad, but I am writing today purely to write, simply to get a post out there. I’ve got plenty I’d like to write about, I just don’t have the time. Like the four and a half (it feels like it, at least!) feet of snow we got overnight last night, my work has been piling up and it’s finally caught up to me.

Damn procrastination.

The Past Decade

What a monumental time we are living.

Right now. Possibly as monumental as the Civil War, or the American Revolution.

For Americans, our world has, in the past decade, rapidly began to spin out of control after the slow rot that has built up for over fifty years finally shows its corruption.

It seems we have crossed our peak. Now we are facing a war on terror, nationwide obesity, a crumbling economy, and a government that is no longer for the people, by the people.

We have elected our first black president, and on his shoulders hangs a burden as great as that of George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. It is now the pivotal moment, a hairline between majorly fucking up and saving what was once the leading country of the free world.

This is the time history will remember. There will be entire books on this era. Documentaries and historians will remember this time for hundreds of years.

I wonder what those books will say. Will they applaud Obama’s heroic moves that helps America back to her feet and once again into the great country she was? Or will they scornfully analyze the multiple ways Americans set up their own execution?

I am grateful and terrified to live in this time. I am observing something my children will only read about, something they will never be able to grasp as well as those who lived this time.

This decade is only the beginning, what happens next decides the future for the next hundred years.

Cheers, to this decade, the turn of a century. I hope all we have gained stay with us, and all we have lost fall behind.

New Years Resolutions!!! (yeah right)

It’s new years! You’ve burst out the champagne, tossed the confetti, failed at lighting the fireworks, watched the Tournament of Roses Parade and cut the ribbons around the new calendars. Then you sit down, slightly drunk, covered in confetti and tired as hell, and begin to contemplate your new years resolutions.

Just like last year, you plan to lose twenty pounds, donate ten dollars to the humane society every month, limit your weekly amount of beer to a six pack, be kinder to your neighbors, ect. ect.

Come July, you’re still twenty pounds overweight, the humane society doesn’t know of your existence, you’re drinking three bottles every night and you just let your dog crap in Mrs. Schmit’s flower garden. Don’t deny it, you know those resolutions only lasted the first week of January before you decided being an upstanding citizen is too hard.

I’m not the only one who does it, so stop giving me that sardonic I’m-better-than-you stink eye. Maybe we just set our resolutions too high, or maybe we really are such lazy bastards we can’t bring ourselves out of our circle of comfort any longer than a week. This year, just like last year, these are my resolutions:

• Kill the procrastination: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t procrastinate, whether it’s sharpening your pencil for the hundredth time in a row or the typical – I’ll do it tomorrow. Well, I put the pro in procrastination. I am the Queen of procrastination. My goal? By the end of the year, I will only be the princess of procrastination (gotta take these things slowly, after all.)
• Meet all of my deadlines: yes, I am cursed with the horrible deadlineitis also. Did I mention I’m the Queen of procrastination? Deadlines and procrastination are extremely explosive when mixed. (BEWARE)
• Get fitter: sure I may be the gal everyone calls scarecrow or anorexic Jane (I could out eat everyone of you so try me,) but skinny doesn’t mean fit.
• Did I mention the Procrastination?: seriously, did I?

The Conspiracy Theorist

Did you know that every corner of the world, from the North Pole to South, from Canton China to Nashville Tennessee, is controlled by a secret group of ancient superhumans who’ve been around since the beginning of time? They’re so powerful, in fact, they’ve got an army of scientists who’ve discovered the secret to living forever. They plot everything and anything that happens, from a man stubbing his toe in Australia, to a car accident on Route 66, to the terrorist attacks of 9/11. They carefully set everything into balance so no one could overthrow anyone else… Yeah, and Bush, and Obama, they’re their little puppets. Nader is one of them. They also know about life on other planets, and when the end of the world will be.

Don’t forget to leave out the fact that they also have an army of body snatchers… and they’re not really human, they’re robotic vampires!

You know who I’m talking about. The guy who’s at every dinner party, church meeting, work luncheon. He takes every opportunity, from someone commenting that their coffee is too dark (it’s because the coffee beans harvested in South America have been injected with drugs in an attempt to addict the American public) to the rising gas prices (a not-to-subtle way of an attempt at world domination via bleeding the public of their money,) to drag the conversation on the latest juicy conspiracy theory. Everyone politely attempts to steer the conversation back to raising money for the nomination or laying off excess workers, but he continuously finds ways to pull the topic back on the alien abduction that replaced George Bush with an evil robotic alien. (and mated with sheep that gave birth to Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.)

You’re killing me, no you really are. Sure, maybe there is a secret society that holds control over the world. What are you going to do about it? And even if there is, I’m pretty sure they’re mortal.  9/11 was just a tragedy, the rising gas prices are just reflecting the inflation of money, and Hillary Clinton is not a sheep/alien mutant (she just acts like one.)

The Fruit Bruiser

I know who you are. You’re the guy who pinches the apples and ‘tests’ the grapes. I hate that. I’m about to buy some nice fresh fruit, I don’t want your grubby little hands poking thumb-sized bruises into my apple. Or the grapes. Do you have to open the bag and eat half of it before you decide whether it’s fit to purchase and take home?

Don’t you know there’s a flu going around? Not to mention the fact that you could get some serious unpleasant bowel movement if you eat unwashed fruit. Ha. Haha. Serves you right.

You know what? I’ll bet you’re the same dude who opens toy boxes at Walmart to touch the rubber grip of a hotwheel or see what happens when you push the voicebox button. And I never notice what you’ve done until I get home with the toy you’ve touched, and the batteries are already dead from you pushing Talking Elmo’s button over a hundred times just to hear ‘Elmo loves you.’

I know who you are. You’re the fruit bruiser guy.

What I’m All About

Like every other average, non-conformist hypocrite, I like to rant about stuff. Don’t judge me, you do it too. And you know you rant about people who do things everyone does, at some point or another. Like those people who cut you off at the intersection, or the buffoon who chews so loudly (and with his mouth open!). Of course there’s always the moron who’s criticizing your absolute favorite celebrity on a news post – with bad spelling. ‘michael jackson sux hes so gay. he likess litle boys.’ What the hell dude, really?